There’s something quiet and heavy about the pain we hold onto, especially the pain we’ve caused ourselves or others. Forgiveness is one of those things we know we should offer, but it’s never simple. Not when the wound runs so deep. Not when we feel like we don’t deserve it, or the other person doesn’t. Still, it shows up in our lives over and over again, asking us to soften. It often asks us to let go.
But what does it mean to practice forgiveness for yourself and others? It’s important to understand that forgiveness is not the same as simply letting go or forgetting. Instead, and more specifically when looking at self-forgiveness, it’s about acknowledging what happened, staying mindful of it, but letting go of the weight it gives us.
Why Self-Forgiveness Is So Hard and So Necessary
We’re often quicker to forgive other people than we are to forgive ourselves. But why? Maybe it’s because we know the full story, every thought, every intention, every mistake we made on the way to hurting someone else or disappointing ourselves. We replay it in our heads, over and over, like punishment is the only way to prove we care.
But shame doesn’t lead to healing. It just keeps us stuck. Self-forgiveness isn’t about excusing what happened. It’s about acknowledging it without being overwhelmed by it. It’s looking at your own pain, and maybe the pain you’ve caused, and saying, “I see this, I accept that it happened, and I still choose to move forward.”
You don’t have to feel ready to forgive yourself. You just have to be willing to give it a try. That’s where something begins to shift. Not all at once, but slowly, like turning your face back toward the light.
How Do We Forgive Others?
Forgiving someone who hurt you can feel impossible, especially when they haven’t apologized, or when the pain still feels fresh. We’re told forgiveness is about freeing ourselves, not condoning the harm. But honestly, that’s easier said than done. Sometimes forgiveness feels like letting them off the hook. Sometimes it feels like betraying our own pain.
But forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending it didn’t matter. It means choosing not to carry their actions inside of us forever. It means saying, “This hurt me, but I’m not going to let it shape the rest of who I am.”
Forgiveness is a process. Some days you might feel at peace, and other days you might feel angry all over again. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re human. The real work is in staying present with what’s true and allowing your heart to soften over time, without rushing or forcing it.
Sometimes you forgive from a distance, or you forgive and rebuild, and sometimes you even forgive just so you can breathe again.
Forgiveness as Spiritual Release
Forgiveness is spiritual work. It’s not just emotional healing or psychological relief, it’s a kind of soul-clearing. A quiet return to who you really are beneath the resentment, shame, or pain. And that applies just as much when you’re forgiving yourself.
When we carry guilt or anger for too long, it begins to shape how we perceive the world and ourselves. Forgiveness lifts that weight, not because the harm didn’t happen, but because your spirit isn’t meant to live trapped in those feelings forever.
Letting go doesn’t mean erasing what happened or that you’re weak. It means seeing it clearly and then choosing not to hold it with clenched fists anymore. That choice, especially when it comes to self-forgiveness, is a sacred one. You’re not saying I did nothing wrong. You’re saying, I won’t punish myself forever for being human.
There’s something holy about that. Forgiveness reconnects us, not just with each other, but with our own souls. It reminds us that we’re allowed to heal and that we’re allowed to begin again.
What Forgiveness Is Not
Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or pretending it didn’t hurt, or that you’re okay with what happened. You can forgive and still feel the sting. You can forgive and still keep your distance. You can forgive and still choose not to let someone back in.
It’s not weakness. It’s not surrendering your boundaries. And it’s not the same as trust.
Trust has to be earned. Forgiveness isn’t something you choose for others; it’s something you choose for yourself. Not for the other person’s comfort. Not to fix things. But to free yourself from carrying what was never yours to hold forever.
Forgiveness isn’t a shortcut to healing. It doesn’t cancel out grief or anger. It just means you’re done letting pain be the loudest voice in the room. It means you’re choosing to move differently, even if the hurt still lingers sometimes.
Forgiveness Isn’t Final, It’s Ongoing
Forgiveness doesn’t happen all at once. It comes in waves. One day, you feel peace, and the next, the hurt returns. That’s okay, you’re not failing, you’re just healing.
Whether you’re forgiving yourself or someone else, you don’t need to rush it. You just need to stay open. Some part of you already knows this isn’t about letting anyone off the hook, it’s about coming home to yourself.
And that’s the heart of it. Forgiveness is a return. A return to softness, to breath, to soul. A quiet decision to stop living from the wound and start living from the part of you that still believes healing is possible.
References:
- Psychological interventions to promote self-forgiveness: a systematic review
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11084121/?utm - Office of Communications: Stanford Medicine: The Benefits of Self Forgiveness
https://med.stanford.edu/news/insights/2019/08/the-benefits-of-self-forgiveness.html?utm - Robert Puff Ph.D The Power of Self-Forgiveness
